The Silent Struggle: Adult Children Caught in the Crossfire of Their Parents’ Aging

You never forget the first time your father forgets your name. Or the night your mom calls you at 3 a.m. confused, convinced someone stole the oven. You try to stay calm. You take a deep breath. And suddenly, you're not their child anymore — you're their caregiver.

This wrenching role reversal is playing out in homes across the country. Millions of adult children are stepping in to help parents who once raised them but now struggle with everyday tasks due to age, illness, or dementia.

My dad was a machine worker. He never asked for help a day in his life. But when the time came, we had to step in — and then it became too much for us,” said Maria H., 49, of Sheboygan, Wisconsin. “Now that I’m getting older, I find myself wondering when that moment will come for me. I just hope I never become a burden on my daughters.

ReAnne Beeton has seen the caregiving crisis up close. As the operator of Amada Senior Care in West Covina, California, she helps families navigate the emotional shift that happens when an aging parent can no longer live independently. The roles reverse, and the child becomes the caregiver.

That shift can be deeply emotional and difficult to process, especially when you're suddenly making decisions for the person who used to guide yours.

The Cost of Living Longer

Medical advances have extended life, but they haven’t always extended independence.

• Americans are living well into their 80s and 90s.
• Over 7 million live with Alzheimer’s, according to the Alzheimer’s Association.
• More than half of those turning 65 today will need some form of long-term care in their lifetime, per the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Longevity has created caregivers out of adult children. With the increase in the number of people with dementia, millions of unpaid, untrained family caregivers not only deal with how it impacts their careers and families, but they must also deal with the emotions of seeing once strong and vibrant people inflicted by a disease that steals their minds, memories, who they are as a human being. Or just the physical impact of frailty and chronic illness. It is sad, physically demanding, and expensive.

American families are often alone in this struggle.

Correy Webb, who operates Amada Senior Care in Sacramento, California, says many adult children feel unprepared and often alone when they step into the caregiving role for an aging parent. The emotional strain and constant decision-making can feel overwhelming.

Caring for a parent often feels like stepping into a role you were never trained for. There’s so much uncertainty and pressure to make the right choices—while you’re still trying to manage your own life.

Health insurance and Medicare don’t cover most long-term care costs. Medicare only pays for short-term skilled care. Families are left to fill the gap — financially, emotionally, and physically.

When my mom was diagnosed with dementia, we thought Medicare would help,” said Jason L., 56, Rochester, New York. “We were wrong. It paid for short-term rehab, but not the in-home help she really needed.

Amada's Beeton sees how intense the caregiving journey can be—especially when you're caught between multiple roles. She’s raising two daughters, running a business, and traveling back and forth to care for her aging parents.

“Balancing the demands of raising children, running a business, and caring for my parents has been one of the most challenging seasons of my life,” Beeton says.

It’s emotionally exhausting, financially draining, and overwhelming—and I’m also trying to guide my daughters through their teenage years. This is just the beginning of a journey that tests every part of me.

When you assume Medicare will cover extended care—and then find out, it doesn’t—it creates a crisis you can’t ignore. If you’re unprepared, that burden falls squarely on you as a family member.

The Difference Long-Term Care Insurance Makes

There’s a clear dividing line in how families experience this crisis — and it often comes down to whether the parent has Long-Term Care Insurance.

Families with LTC Insurance can:

• Afford home health aides, assisted living, or memory care.
• Hire help instead of quitting jobs or draining savings.
• Focus on being a son or daughter, not just a caregiver.
• Plus, there is free assistance available to process the LTC Insurance claim and get help with a plan of care. LTC News has partnered with Amada Senior Care to provide a free nationwide service to assist families in processing LTC Insurance claims.

This no-cost service helps you:

• Review your LTC Insurance policy
• Confirm benefit eligibility
• File claims and complete documentation

RELATED: Making a Long-Term Care Insurance Claim: Is It Difficult?

Families without LTC Insurance often:

• Burn through retirement savings and rack up debt.
• Face heartbreaking choices between work, caregiving, and self-care.
• Experience fractured relationships, guilt, and emotional trauma.

I watched my aunt care for my grandfather without help,” said Lisa P., 52, of Bradenton, Florida. “She developed depression and had to stop working. Before my parents retired, I was determined it would be different. I made sure they had Long-Term Care Insurance.

A Caregiver’s Life on Hold

Caregiving is not a part-time job. It’s a second full-time role — and often one taken on by adult children already juggling careers and raising kids of their own.

A 2023 Genworth study found:

• 53 percent of caregivers say their health has worsened.
• 28 percent quit their jobs or reduced hours due to caregiving.
• 70 percent reported high stress and emotional burnout.

I was managing a team of ten and helping my teenage son apply to college. Then my mom had a stroke,” said Diane T., 55, from Orland Park, Illinois. “Suddenly, I was cooking for three households and doing her laundry at midnight. There were nights I cried in my car just to breathe.

The Wake-Up Call: Planning for Yourself

For many adult children, watching a parent decline — and experiencing the toll firsthand — becomes the catalyst for action.

Most people purchase Long-Term Care Insurance between the ages of 47 and 67. That’s when premiums are more affordable, and applicants are more likely to qualify based on health.

RELATED: How to Apply for Long-Term Care Insurance

I saw what it did to my brother to care for Dad without help,” said Tina H., 58, of Dayton, Ohio. “I didn’t want that for my kids. I bought a policy in my early 50s. Best decision I ever made.

If you’re in that window now, the time to act is before health issues begin. Waiting until your late 60s or 70s could mean higher premiums — or disqualification entirely. That means not only are you responsible for the rising cost of extended care, but you also lose control over your choices—leaving your loved ones to step in as caregivers or care managers, often making difficult financial decisions on your behalf.

Michele Perloe specializes in long-term care planning at Platinum Long-Term Care Solutions—and her commitment is deeply personal. She witnessed the challenges up close: her father lived with Parkinsonian Syndrome and needed three years of intensive care, while her mother required eight years of support due to dementia.

Perloe says the emotional toll on our family was tremendous.

Thank goodness they both had LTC Insurance policies.  It would have been overwhelming if we had to deal with the financial hardship as well.

The True Cost of Care

Emotions are important, but so is the financial cost of long-term care. According to the ongoing survey of long-term care costs nationwide by LTC News, the median monthly cost of care in the U.S. is staggering:

• In-home care: $5,5524/month (based on a 44-hour week)
• Assisted living: $4,874/month (base costs before surcharges)
• Nursing home (private room): $10,540/month

And those are just averages. Urban areas like Dallas, Chicago, and New York can see rates that are substantially higher. Some locations, like San Francisco and Seattle, can be even more expensive.

Without LTC Insurance, families often deplete retirement accounts, borrow from relatives, or end up using Medicaid after their financial resources have been depleted paying for extended care.

How You Can Take the Next Step

Whether you're caring for a parent now or trying to plan for your own future, start here:

For Adult Children with Aging Parents

1. Talk now — ask about wills, advance directives, and financial plans. There is no one conversation about aging; it is a series of conversations. This is a tricky topic for everyone, so don't avoid ongoing discussions about aging.
2. Use the LTC News Caregiver Directory to find quality care providers. Whether your loved one wants to stay in their home or assisted living or requires memory care or a nursing home, you can search for caregivers and facilities by zip code.  
3. Explore Medicaid planning if your parent has limited assets — but understand the strict rules.
4. Get a care needs assessment and look into respite support. A care needs assessment for an older adult is a formal evaluation—usually conducted by a social worker, nurse, or other healthcare professional—to determine what type and level of support an individual needs to live safely and comfortably at home or in a care facility.

Why a Care Assessment Matters

A care needs assessment is often the first step in creating a long-term care plan when someone appears to need extended care. It helps families, doctors, or case managers:

• Decide whether the person can remain at home
• Determine if professional in-home care or a move to assisted living/nursing home is necessary
• Identify services such as physical therapy, meal delivery, or respite care

In some cases, an assessment is also required to:

• Qualify for Medicaid long-term care benefits if the care recipient has limited financial resources
• Access publicly funded home care programs
• Support Long-Term Care Insurance claims

Advance Planning Key - Especially 45–67

• Get quotes on Long-Term Care Insurance while you're healthy.
• Hybrid LTC policies that combine life insurance or annuities with long-term care benefits are options in addition to traditional policies.
• Review your retirement plan with long-term care costs in mind.
• Talk to your children about your wishes — don’t leave them guessing.

Long-Term Care Insurance isn’t just about protecting your money,” said Matt McCann, a specialist in LTC planning. “It’s about protecting your family from becoming your only safety net.

Before You Retire: 5 Steps to Secure Long-Term Care Insurance

You have the power now to spare your family from the consequences of aging and future long-term care. Planning for long-term care now is a gift. It lets you stay in control, protect your savings, and ensure your loved ones support you emotionally—not physically and financially.

1. Start While You're in Good Health (Usually Ages 45–67)

The sweet spot for getting coverage is when you’re healthy and still working. Once chronic conditions develop—or if cognitive issues arise—you could face higher premiums or even be declined for coverage.

2. Understand What Long-Term Care Insurance Covers

This isn’t just about nursing homes. Modern Long-Term Care Insurance pays for home care, assisted living, adult day care, and memory care facilities. It’s about preserving choices and staying in control of your care.

3. Use a Specialist—Not a General Agent

Most insurance agents and financial advisors don't understand the complexities of Long-Term Care policies and often lack the state-required training. Use a qualified Long-Term Care Insurance specialist who works with multiple top-rated companies and understands underwriting and state long-term care partnership programs.

4. Choose the Right Policy Design for Your Budget

You don’t need a “Cadillac” policy. Most top specialists design affordable plans that cover core expenses. A specialist can help you strike the right balance between cost and protection. Plus, premiums vary dramatically between insurance companies offering long-term care solutions.

5. Compare Current and Future Extended Care Costs

Use the LTC News Cost of Care Calculator to see what services cost where you live—and project how much you might need in 10, 20, or 30 years or more.

What Legacy Will You Leave Behind?

Aging is inevitable. Needing care is likely. But forcing your children to give up their lives to manage your decline doesn’t have to be.

You have the power to make choices that are different from what your parents may have made.

One day, you may need help getting dressed. Or remembering names. Or just staying safe at home. When that day comes, what do you want your children’s role to be?

Being prepared will give those you love the ability to remain family instead of caregivers.